I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We left the knife in your bed.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
you never un-have a 4some
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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