The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
