So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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