We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
