I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
