You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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