I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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