Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
