I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
