I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
