From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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