you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
