I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
