Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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