Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My vagina just clenched in fear
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
