Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
