You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
