i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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