You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
