a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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