Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
