i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
