I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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