2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
