Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
