Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
MIDGETS
????
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
