Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So many bounce houses so little time
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
