eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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