there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
