I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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