why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Who died my cat blue again?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize