I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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