Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
