Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
