My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
