Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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