there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
