Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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