having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
