I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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