The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
