I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
