he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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