So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
