He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
