The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
