I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
