I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
