How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
