Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
