Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
