He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you didnt know i had herpes?
it's like iHOP with fire
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
